Matters Painful and Refreshing

Text:  1 Peter 2:9

Theme:  "Matters Painful and Refreshing"

5th Sunday of Easter

May 18, 2014

FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH

Denton, Texas

Rev. Paul R. Dunklau

+In the Name of Jesus+

⁹ ...You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 

Major newspapers -- including a smattering of minor ones -- regularly publish an advice column.  A couple of notable ones that will ring a bell are Ann Landers and, of course, Dear Abby.  People write in with a description of the problem(s) they are facing, and the columnist writes back with sage and timely advice.

Apparently, there's a column out there called "Ask Amy".  I've never heard of it; I don't read advice columns with any regularity.  But a friend passed along a clipping from an "Ask Amy" exchange that he thought was worth a read.   Lo and behold, it's preachable!  Here goes:

Dear Amy:

Every fall, my sister, cousins and a cousin's sister-in-law have a weekend shopping excursion in our home city. 

We stay in a hotel, treat ourselves, shop for our children and go out for lunches and dinners.  It is a great time to reconnect.

I have a sister "Wendy", whom we do not invite.  She is offended to the point of tears when she finds we have not invited her.  My two sisters and I are very close in age, but Wendy hasn't been as close to this set of cousins as my sister and I have been through the years. 

We are all married stay-at-home moms.  Wendy is a divorced, working mom with one young child. 

There are several reasons why we do not include her.  We know she doesn't have very much money for such an outing.  She does not have many of the same interests as we do.  We're all very active churchgoers, while she only sporadically attends services.  Plain and simple, she does not really fit in with us anymore.

She takes it very personally, and last year even came over to my home unannounced crying about it, which upset my children and caused my husband to threaten to call the police if she did not leave.

Now she barely speaks to me and has told our relatives that I am a horrible person (even though I've helped her).

How can we get her to understand that she should perhaps find another set of friends whose lives and interests align more closely with hers?

Signed,

Sad Sister

  Hold on to your hats, people!  Here comes Amy's reply:

Dear Sad:

First, let's establish that I agree with your sister:  You are a horrible person. 

Obviously, you can do whatever you want and associate with -- or exclude -- whomever you want, but you don't get to do this and also blame the person you are excluding for not "fitting in."

The only way your sister would ever fit in would be for you to make room for her.  You are unwilling to do that, and that is your choice.

But her being upset is completely justified, and you'll just have to live with that.  Perhaps this is something you could ponder from your church pew, because despite your regular attendance, you don't seem to have learned much.

Ouch.  That's painful.  Whether or not you agree or disagree with "Sad Sister" and/or "Ask Amy"'s response, it's painfully obvious that there is some of what is popularly called "dysfunction" going on in "Sad Sister"'s family.  At least two human beings -- sisters -- are in conflict; they are alienated from one another.  Feelings are raw, and enflamed, and hurt.  There is a sense of hostility and what the Bible calls "enmity".  In a word, it's painful. 

In circles of psychology, psychiatry, social work, and now even in clinical pastoral education, there is a popular school of thought called "family systems."  The thinking is that the family is a system --  like a body with interconnected parts.  When one part gets "out of joint",  it affects all the other parts.  Let me illustrate:  a number of months ago, it was suggested to me that I go see a chiropractor for problems I was having in my left shoulder.  The doctor I visited uses a form of chiropractic called "Airrosti."  He determined that the problem wasn't my shoulder; it was actually in my hip. The shoulder was the location of the pain while the hip was the source.  It was all interconnected, and he treated both the location and the source of the pain.

Family systems thinking is like that.  In fact, it has become so precise that it can actually predict what will likely happen  in the future.  Family system teachers use what is called a "Genogram".  On a dustless chalkboard, for example, they will put up something like a family tree to show the connections between family of origin, the family itself, and the extended family.  Then they introduce the problems people in families face and sometimes cause.   It is quite an eye-opener to see how the next generation will be affected.  In a class I took, they studied the family of the famous actor, Henry Fonda.  There was a thread of depression and suicide that was rife in that family;  it was intergenerational. 

Family systems thinking has been applied to churches as well.  It really shouldn't be a surprise, for the Bible teaches that we are "the body of Christ and individually members of it."  We've already seen where conflict and hostility can affect family members.  It also can affect churches. 

When I attended a seminar on this, the presenter offered story after story of dysfunction and conflict and hostility in the church families.  There were tales told of people -- otherwise good people and regular, church-going people -- who hadn't spoken to one another in years.  There was such deep dislike, conflict, and potential or realized hostility, that they avoided one another at all costs.  It took every ounce of energy just to be civil. The issue was not whether the church was a welcoming church, a friendly church, and so forth.  In every instance, they were.  They were as welcoming and friendly as anyone could hope to expect.  But below the surface there were cracks and fissures. There were conflicts between people and/or groups of people in the church that went unacknowledged but were most certainly felt. Everybody who knows knows about it; nobody talks about it.   It's what one church-goer has called the "black cloud affect."   It's painful.

What's the source of the pain?  Family systems theory applied to churches has revealed that it often revolves around the pastoral office.  Some folks like the minister (and even the minister's family) while others don't.  In smaller churches, it becomes clear fairly quickly who supports or doesn't support the minister. 

In 1987, I took my first call to a Lutheran congregation in Indiana.  On my call documents, there was this cryptic line typed at the bottom,  and I'll never forget it.  It read:  "Previous minister resigned under pressure from voters." It was like a warning that said:  "This is what you're getting yourself into."  (I really didn't have a choice if I wanted a job.  In the Lutheran tradition, you go where they send you fresh out of seminary.)   The previous pastor had asked for a vote; he felt pressured to do so.  It didn't go in his favor, but the vote was 51% to 49%.  The church was split right down the middle. 

The minister is one source of the pain.  A second source is building projects.  I don't know of a minister, session, or church council anywhere that hasn't had pushback with building projects.   It  has to do with money or the lack thereof.  It has to do with different understandings of mission.  It causes conflict.  It's painful.

A third source is denominational affiliation. You like the church but don't like the denomination, or you don't like the church but you like the denomination.  You get the idea.

When these pains are allowed to fester over a period of time, people may not talk about them but they will feel them.  There may or may not be a vote on a divisive issue -- about the pastor, the building project, or fill-in-the blank.  But people will vote -- and they often do so with their feet. 

If you've stayed with me this long, you're probably thinking:  "Alright, Pastor Dunklau.  You're long on diagnosis and short on cure.  You've shared the painful matters.    You've identified the problem.  Now, what solves the problem?  what's the solution?"

What solves is what refreshes and the solution is what inspires.  Let me repeat:  what solves is what refreshes and the solution is what inspires.  When it comes to churches -- like our own and so many others, what refreshes and inspires is how God sees us.  Left to ourselves, we may see our church as small, ineffective, conflicted, and dysfunctional. And we are not alone.  Every congregation, in one form or another, has these problems.  There may even be folks we'd rather not talk to and avoid.  We may even have seen it this way for a long, long time.  The more we look at it this way, the more it weighs upon us.  We keep seeing the same things and doing the same things, and we expect a different result.  When we get the same results, there is pain.  When there's pain, what do people often do?  They lash out.

But there is also the way God sees the church.  And there is no way in hell that the black cloud of systemic dysfunction can defeat it.  One of great reformers declared that "The devil, that prowde spirit, cannot endure being mocked."  Well, that old devil is going to be pretty hacked off with what God's Word is about to say. 

God says to the churches, and God says to us:  "You are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."

When, by God's grace, we see ourselves as God sees us, we discover -- and re-discover -- who we are and what we are given to do.  That discovery is what refreshes and inspires.  That discovery puts us all on the same page.  We may not -- and, indeed, we cannot -- always be on the same page with the minister, or the building project, or the denomination, or certain specific issues or even personalities. But we can be -- indeed, we MUST BE, to a person -- on the same page when it comes to how God sees us and with God has given us to do.  All the rest of it is small stuff.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  God went to massive lengths to give us forgiveness and love.   It's always there for us to receive -- and for us to pass on to others.

With this refreshment and inspiration from God, the black cloud dissipates.  The church greets the dawn and begins a new day refreshed and inspired.

My prayer today is that our congregation  will sense in its collective soul what singer George Strait felt in his heart when he sang "Peace of Mind":

I don't dare slow down for anything

What tomorrow brings suits me fine

And I don't dare look back on yesterday

It's a throw away better left behind.

I'm free, free to do as I please

Free to choose, free to be

Just plain me, just plain fine.

I'm here and I'm there

Not a care in the world

What a cure for the soul...peace of mind.

I go anywhere that ol' wind blows

Down a blacktop road...anytime.

No strings attached, no ties to tie me down

So why hang around, when I can fly.

First Presbyterian Church and its friends and visitors and guests, we don't have to hang around anymore.  We can fly!

Amen.