Anger Management?

Text:  Ephesians 4:25-5:2

Theme:  "Anger Management?"

11th Sunday after Pentecost

August 12, 2012

First Presbyterian Church

Denton, Texas

Rev. Paul R. Dunklau

+In the Name of Jesus+

²⁵ Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”^[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷ and do not give the devil a foothold. ²⁸ Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.

²⁹ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. ³⁰ And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. ³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. ³² Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

¹ Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children ² and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

Today's New Testament reading touches on a subject that we've all dealt with in one way or another.  I speak of anger.  This topic, I fully realize, could possibly dredge up some unpleasant memories for some of you and you may be thinking:  "Perhaps it is best to let sleeping dogs lie."  What complicates the matter is that your minister of Word and Sacrament, personally, does not handle anger very well.   One witty writer once described anger as "the dubious luxury of normal men."  Thus stated, I'm not a normal man.  For me, anger is poison.  I'd be the first in line to say that anger toward someone or over some situation has occasionally found me flying off the handle, and saying things, and doing things that I later regret.  As result, I've been ashamed; I've felt guilty, and the whole emotional soup is distasteful and unpleasant.

Thus, I've set myself up for a nearly gargantuan task this morning:  I want to tastefully and pleasantly address the matter of anger.  My hope is that, through it all, we will come to appreciate -- and even apply to ourselves -- what the Word of God has to say on the subject. 

A good way to start is to ask this question:  is anger something to be avoided or something to be gotten rid of?   Psychologists and psychiatrists, who may or may not be Christian, often speak of "managing" anger.  Is that it?  Should we manage it?  Or should we try to avoid it or get rid of it? 

 During rush hour and at other times of day, I AVOID Loop 288.  The traffic situation -- with its sheer volume of cars with many of the folks behind the wheel texting on their omnipresent iPhones -- tends to make me angry.  Thus, by calculating and taking a different route, I have avoided anger.  And it's safer to text this way.  There's another thing about anger.  We get angry at other people who engage in the same kind of behaviors that we do.  It's probably because we're inconvenienced, and being "inconvenienced" is a prime cause of anger.  Being "inconvenienced" is just a nice way of saying that we're not getting our own way. 

Now for something different!  Late in the evening on Tuesday or early in the morning on Wednesday, the folks at my house make a point of not avoiding the trash.  Instead, they get rid of it.  They fill up the dumpster that the city of Denton has provided, and they roll it down to the curb for pick-up.  In other words, they don't avoid the garbage; they don't manage the garbage;  they get rid of it. 

So we're back to the question:  is anger to be avoided or gotten rid of? At first glance, our reading appears to be saying  GET RID OF IT.  Ephesians 4:31 comes right out and says it:   "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."  Bitterness, rage, brawling, slander, and malice are, pretty clearly, brothers, sisters, cousins, and second-cousins of anger.  What a happy family that is, huh?  (I'm being facetious.)

There's another interesting point that the text makes.  Earlier in the passage, it says this:  "In your anger, do not sin."  This seems to suggest that we will be angry.  It is entirely possible to be angry and not to sin.  It's not always likely, but it's possible.  Put it all together and we conclude that we will be angry in this life.  It can't be avoided.  Furthermore, the first step toward getting rid of it is to acknowledge that it exists. 

I know that it exists in my life, and I'm here to tell you it doesn't exist in isolation.  Anger doesn't like to hang out alone.  Many times it hooks up with sadness, with guilt, and with shame.  They start to do a little dance, and I've found myself so emotionally dizzy that I honestly don't know what I'm feeling anymore. 

As a result, I read a passage from the Bible like we have before us today and I get mad!  Get rid of anger?  That is easier said than done! That's like trying to untangle five hundred feet of tangled up Christmas lights.  C'mon God!  C'mon St. Paul.  Don't just tell me to do something; show me how!

My study and experience lead me to conclude that there are a number of ways in which folks deal with anger.  The most dangerous way is the first one that I'm going to mention, and that is denial. Let's say that your starting to get upset over something.  You begin to grit your teeth.  The hair on the back of your neck is bristling.  Someone notices you and says:  "Joe or Jane, you seem to be upset."  And you, Joe or Jane, says:  "Oh, no.  I'm okay.  No problem. Did I look like I was mad?  I'm entirely alright."  Of course, that's a lie because you are mad.  I reminds me of a plaque that read in an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting house one day:  "The deception of others is almost always rooted in the deception of the self."  In other words, when you're mad and deny that you're mad, other people aren't the first one you're being dishonest with; you're being dishonest with your self.  Denial, as the old saying goes, "is not a river in Egypt." 

The trouble with denial, regarding anger, is that the anger really isn't gotten rid of.  It's just stuffed down deep inside.  It's submerged in your soul.  That anger, then, starts to digest.  And it produces that caustic little morsel called resentment.  There are people out there who appear to be healthy, well-adjusted, and seemingly a-okay.  But, truth be told, they are harboring resentments so deep and so profound that every ounce of energy that possess has to called upon to give others the appearance that they are doing "just fine."  Denial doesn't get rid of anger; it just compounds the problem. 

Another way to deal with anger does, indeed, get rid of it, but it has no regard for God or the neighbor.  It is the destructive -- even libertarian -- way of dealing with anger.  Your instincts take over, and you fly off in a blind rage.  You completely lose any pretense of control.  This is a most dangerous approach because it can do serious damage -- even physical violence -- to others.  You may have gotten rid of anger, but what a mess you've left in its wake.  You throw alcohol or drug abuse into the mix, and you likely have a story destined for the police blotter. 

This libertarian way has another sinister aspect.  It what I've heard referred to as "gunny-sacking".  Let's say you're boiling mad about what someone else has said or done, you get up the moxie to confront him or her.  "You know, what you said today really bothered me."  The person replies:  "Well, it bothers me that it bothers you."  "Well, I'm upset."  "Well, now I'm upset; you're always getting on my back about something."  And you say, "What?"  "Well, there's the time when you said this."  "Yeah?  Well, what about the time when you did that?"  On and on it goes -- all around the prickly pear -- as every possible grievance that one person has for another is rehashed and renewed.  At the end of the argument, no one wins and you're so far away from the original, specific reason for the anger that you can't even remember what it was.  Anger isn't gotten rid of, it's just assigned to the win or loss column.

There's a third way to approach your anger.  It's the best way, but it takes practice.  It's a way that has some risks, but it is honest.   You start by acknowledging to yourself that you are upset.  It's too important a matter to fool yourself about.  Simply put, you pause; collect yourself, and confess to yourself that you're angry.  Next, you determine what you're angry about.  You may not be 100% sure.  It could be a combination of things.  One way that has been suggested, at this point, is to write things down if you can.  Try to connect the dots.

The story is told -- and it is a true story -- of young man who went to a family program at a treatment center for alcoholism and drug abuse.  This family member thought that he was going to learn about how they treated his loved one for addiction.  What happened there shocked him.  The family program wasn't about the alcoholic or addict at all.  It was about the family member of the alcoholic/addict.  One day in a group meeting, the counselor said to the young man:  "You seem impatient and agitated.  Many family members are.  While you're glad your loved one is getting treatment for his disease, you're probably still dealing with your anger.  In fact, here's what I want you to do.  I want you to go home tonight, get out a legal pad, and write down one hundred things you are mad at your loved one about." Now the young man was really mad.  "Of course I'm mad at my loved one, but I love him.  There are a few things I'm mad about, and I'll get over them. But there are nowhere near one hundred things."  The counselor replied:  "You'll probably get about twenty or so, and then you'll stall.  But then I want you to really start thinking.  Get specific.  In the end, you'll probably have well over a hundred." 

Two days later, that counselor approached the family member in the group setting.  She said, "It's time to share your list."  "That's personal," the young man said.  "That's part of the problem," the counselor replied.  With no small amount of fear, the family member looked down at the legal pad and started to read.  He didn't get half way through the list before he broke down and began to cry.  "There," said the counselor, "now you know what you've been holding in for so long.  And you've begun to let it go." It wasn't easy; it was risky.  There were some fears that attended it, but that young man asserted his anger; he acknowledge it; he named it; he owned it.  And, in the process, he got rid of it.

When we try to deal with our own anger by either denying it or flying off the handle, we are -- to use the language from Ephesians -- giving "the devil a foothold."  When we let the sun go down on our anger, that anger is only going to rest and then wake up with us and continue to bite us. 

The best way is the Christ way.  That means, first and foremost, that we don't see ourselves as people with "anger issues".  Life becomes not just another day on the calendar where we attempt to "manage" anger.  Instead, we wake up as dearly loved children of the God who loved us so much that He sent Jesus.  Or, in the words of St. Paul, we "walk in the way of love." 

Amen.